God Is Good All The Time

And all the time God is Good!!

He is amazing!! He answers prayers in His own time and at the time we really need it. Chris isn’t able to express his emotions easily but I know when something is bothering him. I let him get it out and then I ask him what is bothering him and then he is able to tell me. Two weeks ago we went through some angry nights and when I was finally able to talk to him about it, he told me he didn’t think there was a God. He believed God gave me cancer and that I was going to die. It broke my heart. I tried to tell him that God didn’t not give it to me but Chris didn’t want to talk about it. How do you explain something to someone who needs to see something to believe in it? That has been a problem for us all along.

Then God did His thing. I went in for a mammogram and ultrasound to see how things were progressing. Long story short-they had a hard time finding it!!!! The techs, the radiologist could barely see it!!!! The lump has shrunk to more than half its original size!! Praise God, Praise God!! The first person I called was Jarl of course. And then I called Chris. He started crying and said “Mama, God did this!! He is curing you!” Hallelujah!! Is this the reason I’m going through this, to show Chris what God can do so Chris can see it? Then this is so worth it!! I want God to use me to bring people to Christ. He is using me!!!

I started my new chemo yesterday. It is every week for 12 weeks or just in time for New Year’s and my b’day!! It shouldn’t be as rough on me and has less side effects to worry about. They put Benadryl in my IV for allergic reactions. They must put in a large dose as I got very sleepy. It also gives me some awesome hot flashes!! Dr. H was pleased with the results of the imagings. When I am done with chemo, he will send me back to my surgeon in Des Moines and we will see what the next step is. I don’t quite see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the LIGHT is shining on me!!!

Just a Little Poop Between Friends

Spoiler alert– this might have a little too much TMI (too much information) for some of my followers.
Today we’re gonna talk about chemo and pooping. LOL! Chemotherapy can give you diarrhea and it can give you constipation. When my brother in law Ron was going through chemo, a good day for him was when he would fill the little bowl in the toilet. I feel a kind of kinship with him now when I go to the bathroom. I asked Mary how she felt about me thinking about Ron while in the bathroom. She thought it was sweet. Really?
Diarrhea usually hits the week of chemo but soon the constipation sets in and when I mean sets in, I mean like concrete! Hard as rocks! After talking to my oncologist he suggested Milk of Magnesia or Miralax. I have used MOM when I had Chris and had success with it. Chris tried Miralax and didn’t care for the gritty taste. So I decided to go with MOM.
The directions recommends adults take 2 to 4 TBSP- preferably at bedtime with a 8 oz glass of water.
Ok- first of all what 52 year old woman wants to drink 8 oz of water at bedtime?? That alone has me getting up every hour through the night!
Second- the directions do not indicate that MOM could kick in within an hour!!!
So not only would a person be getting up to go pee several times a night, now a person would be getting up to poo. Well- actually your stomach starts gurgling and cramping so you really won’t be going to sleep. I’ll just say it was a late night.
Now, how to end a blog on poop? Gotta go!

Hot or Cold- Hot Flashes Second Time Around

Didn’t I have to go through hot flashes when I had my hysterectomy? Seriously? At least then I had a hormone replacement drug to keep them under control. Not this time. Nooooo. One minute I’m freezing and the next hotter than Matthew McConaughy. Yeah that hot!! One minute I’m putting on layers and the next I’m Kojak the stripper. I work up more of a sweat just sitting than I do when I’m exercising. Yes, people I have exercised. More than once. Last week someone had BO and it wasn’t the other two people that live here. Well-maybe one of them had it too… We have two ceiling fans- one in the living room and one over our bed. They have seen more action since chemo started than ever. I really need a remote to operate them!
I really worried that I’m gonna start stripping in public. You know–at work, at church, at Walmart. OH NO I’m gonna be in those pictures of Walmart people!! I hope that they at least blur my face.

Dad’s Desk

Anyone who knows me knows I love to scrapbook. Like most scrapbookers I am always looking for ways to organize my stuff. This past couple weeks I’ve looked at some of my old scrapbooking magazines and when I mean old I mean from 2005!! There’s some great ideas that I would love to be able to create. If I could I would paint everything white, have white shelves, desk, and maybe paint one wall my favorite color- red. I already have a six foot table and the most incredible desk. It was my Dad’s desk!

Dad had had this desk as long as I can remember. He bought it at a college sale. It is 3 ft 2 in deep, 5 ft wide and 3 ft tall. Empty it would take four guys to lift it. Fortunately, it comes apart into three pieces. Dad made a big box with cubbyholes that sat on the back. He put things like sales books, phone books, mail and much more.

From the mid 50s until the early 70s Dad was a milkman. I have great memories of the milk route. Dad delivered more than just milk. He also delivered bread, pizza, and ice cream. It was at his desk that he kept his books, wrote out bills, and whatever dads do. Dad also had a phone extension on his desk which his daughters used when they had a very important call–you know– talking to girlfriends about boys, talking to boys…you know!! I loved to sit at his desk while talking on the phone. Dad’s desk was usually covered with his work but he seemed to know where everything was. The desk had wooden trays (I don’t know what they were called) on each side right above the top drawers that you pulled out to use for more surface. They were covered with green fabric like a pool table. Dad kept little notes on the cubbies as reminders. One such note sticks in my memory as a testament to Dad’s faith. “The Holy One is more important than a hole in one.” Dad didn’t golf and you better be truly sick to miss mass on Sunday.

Dad’s office was in the southwest corner of our basement growing up. My bedroom was right above and I could hear Dad opening and shutting the drawers and it gave me a sense of comfort. It was under the desk where we would take shelter in tornado warnings. It was where we were the night before Mary’s wedding and I’m sure I would have been there when the tornado of 79 hit south of town– if I would have been home.

When Dad moved into an apartment we cleaned out the house and I got the desk. At the time, I thought I just wanted it because it would be a great scrapbooking desk. I now know that it is more than just a desk. It is a part of my dad.

Dad’s desk was big and strong as I always thought Dad was. I am so glad I have his desk. It’s like he’s still with me reminding me to be strong.

No, I won’t be painting this desk white, red or any other color. It is perfect the way it is.

Dad had his desk

Dad had his desk

Fourth Chemo

Today was the last day of my every other week chemo. YEA!! No more red colored pee or nasal congestion. Next week I go for a mammogram and an ultrasound to see how things are progressing— or would that be digressing? Meaning- the lump would be getting smaller. I KNOW it is shrinking. I really want to celebrate of this round but I kind of want to be awake and not nauseous when I do celebrate. On Oct 13th I will start chemo every other week. It will just be one drug and I am told it won’t be as hard on me.

My good friend Connie took me today. Connie is one of my former adjusters and a very good friend. She shared her vacation pictures with me. She and her hubby went toured Notre Dome campus. I love the traditions and history of the campus. They then went to Niagara Falls. That is on my to do list. I’m so jealous!! Her pictures were amazing.

Last night we had movie night at church. We saw Facing The Giants. If you haven’t seen it, see it!! It is an amazing movie.

Hopefully this week won’t be as hard as the last chemo. I’m thinking positive thoughts. God has this. He will get me through this week. He does it because He can.

Dexter The Cat

Mary has many cats and when I say many I mean four. She has always been a cat girl. We always had a cat in our house growing up and I think she has always had a cat in her house. Mary adopted Dexter last Christmas. It wasn’t that she didn’t already have a cat–she had two Bootsie and Miss Kitty– she just wanted another one. Dexter is a long haired yellow tabby. From the moment I met him I loved him. I walked up the stairs to Mary’s bedroom and was met at the top by Dexter. He purred around my legs like we were old friends. If I stop by and he’s outside, he comes running when I call him. I would steal him if I could get away with him.

Mary always has a great antidote about Dexter. He isn’t your typical cat. He doesn’t act like your average cat. Dexter thinks he’s a dog. He loves to roll in the dirt then walk in through the cat door to track muddy paw prints over the hardwood floors and Mary’s white couch. Dexter is like a hunting dog. He’ll bring in the catch of the day— frogs, birds, bunnies– whatever is the animal of the season. The other day he brought in a bird. Mary and her family were sitting down for supper when Dexter padded in. Mary thought he had a sock in his mouth. When she realized it was a bird, she pulled Dexter’s tail. When she pulled Dexter’s tail he opened his mouth to meow. When Dexter opened his mouth to meow he dropped the bird. When Dexter dropped the bird, Sami’s kitten Sasha went after it. When Sasha went after it, she didn’t know what to do with it. The bird flew behind the couch. Fortunately Dutch rescued the bird who was unharmed. They opened the door and the bird flew out just to be hit by a car. Ok that last part was a lie. I thought it needed a better ending to the story besides it flew into freedom.

Honesty

I just reread my post from Monday and I started to regret having posted it. I hate being a whiner and that’s all I did in that post. I then remembered that this is what this blog is about– being honest about having cancer. I could sugarcoat chemo and cancer but how honest is that? And if you know me at all, you know I’m honest to a fault. Cancer sucks. Chemo sucks.

This week has been brutal. The oncologist said there’d be days like this. He should have said weeks. I never knew a person could sleep so long get up for an hour and then sleep so more. I also never thought I’d go for long without wanting to eat. Nothing has sounded good.

I know this is just temporary. I know that I won’t always feel like this. I just have to keep telling myself that. I also have to stop feeling guilty about wanting to sleep and not fold towels. To stop feeling guilty about not working and watching reruns of The Love Boat. Guilt runs in my family. I think Mom and Dad planted guilt in us when we were born. I feel guilty about being guilty!! Guilty for not cleaning my room, guilty for not listening to my parents, guilty for not liking someone, guilty for not being good enough. Just guilty. And now I am feeling guilty for feeling lousy. My house is messy and I feel guilty. Now- don’t ya’ll come running over to clean! Jarl is weird about others cleaning our house. He and Chris don’t see it. I’m starting a new game. It’s like from Sesame Street — one of these things doesn’t belong. It’s called several of these things don’t belong in this room.

Sept 21st- Chris did dust and vacuum for me!! He totally understood about the things in the living room that didn’t belong. After he picked up and put away those things he came back and dusted. I should have known had detailed he would be when dusting. He then vacuumed. I am so proud of him. He’s my favorite son!!

Sept 22- I went to work today. Although it exhausted me, I’m glad I went. I need to push myself more. Getting up and dressed and putting on my hair went along way to making me feel better. I thought I looked pale and told Jarl I thought I look sick. My darling husband reminded me that I am sick. Well duh– but I didn’t want to look it!! Maybe I should start tanning… Or maybe I’ll start wearing clown makeup… I could get a clown wig too. OR— get one of every Halloween mask at Wal-mart. I could be someone different everyday. Spiderman today, Hello Kitty the next. Hmmm…it’s a thought.